About Me

My photo
Jacksonville, Florida, United States
I am a smart mouthed, tell it like it is southern chick. I love and hurt like everyone else. Take me as I am or get on outta here! I have two wonderful children, One large man child husband, and two furbabies. I'm existing, hopefully soon to be living once the brain tumor I have is removed. Anything you want to know, e-mail me!

Friday, October 14, 2011

The End...

Well folks, I am afraid this will be my last post of this blog. This is also going to be a very long post, so be ready to read, and be ready for tears.

I began having some pretty bad cramping/pinching/tearing pain on Friday night the 7th and I thought it was just gas as it seemed pretty familiar to me. I slept that night and got up and drove to Panama City for my Brothers wedding. Saturday night was full of some pretty intense pain, I cried but slept it off and resorted to go to the hospital if I still felt bad when I got home. Well, we got home and I wasn't in that much pain, it was bearable, so I didn't go to the hospital. I thought I had a urinary tract infection.
Anyway, I woke up in excruciating pain so I got the kids off to school and went to the e.r. After tons of poking and prodding, blood work and urine, they came back with a dx of a UTI. But because of the baby and the fact that I had pain in my right lower quadrant, appendicitis was possible, so they kept me for observation. They also informed me that my white blood cell count was elevated, which was another reason for my admission.

The next morning I was approached by my PCP and a surgeon and the on call OB, who all together decided I more than likely had an inguinal hernia with my intestines protruding through my abdominal wall, so they needed to do an immediate repair via laproscopy. Anyway, I signed consent and went on my way, but in the mean time just before surgery the pain got completely unbearable and I was doubled over in harsh pain.

They took me back and I went out thinking I was gonna wake up with a repaired hernia and my appendix gone. Well, I didn't. I woke up in worse pain than when I went under and it hurt in places it wasn't supposed to hurt.

After an hour in recovery they took me to the pediatrics ward (so I could have a private room) and got me set up in there. A few minutes later Thomas walks in with the kids and has this sullen look on his face as though something horrid had happened. He told the kids to be quiet, that I didn't know yet. He had also informed everyone around (all nurses and doctors) not to say anything to me about what happened.
So he walks over and sits down next to me and starts crying and shaking, grabs my hand (and this is NOT his personality type at all) and finally tells me...."They didn't take your appendix and you didn't have a hernia. The pain you felt was your uterus rupturing and the baby didn't make it..."
He says he will never forget the look on my face. I'll never forget the words he said or how I felt. All of my dreams, and I do mean that literally, ALL of my dreams just fell out from under me. Thomas then told me it was worse than that...I'd lost about 800 cc's of blood, which is one of about 4 liters the body holds on a normal basis. I had 5 bags of blood transfused. I was told by the surgeon who did the operation that 400 cc's was in the uterus and the other 400 cc's I lost after my uterus was removed. My surgeon also said that baby only died because the placenta detached from my uterus once it was removed. The placenta and baby were fine before the removal of my uterus. And the OB also said I had placenta accreta, which is where the placenta grows into the uterine wall and into the abdominal wall as well. If the baby was 8 weeks older, it could have survived.
He came in yesterday and spoke to me and began crying while telling me that god guided his hands Tuesday during my surgery. He's not sure how he kept me alive, but he is thankful he did and so am I. I have 3 holes, 2 in my right side on both upper and lower sides and my belly button. They are all three stitched up. They also re-opened my c-section scar, rather forcefully if I might add. I am bruised from hell and back. They also exhausted every vein they were legally allowed to use for medications and I have multiple blown veins and bruised spots on my hands and arms. I also managed to get thrush from the antibiotics they gave me via IV in the hospital. I came home today with 7 medications. Thrush liquid, yeast medication, pain killers, anti depressant, anti anxiety, sleep med and nausea medicine. The Pharmacy got good money out of us today.

This years trials and tribulations have been something else. I've got to eventually turn into a rock after all that I've been through.

We had to put Rascal down, whom we all adored because Tom and Liz were worried about his affect on the pregnancy, which there wasn't one, then a week later my Mom passes away, but not in a good way. See previous posts. Now this week, I almost die, and a little soul went to heaven that never saw earth. The baby was a boy (which I knew in my heart all along) named after his daddy, so Thomas Jr. He is with god today.

While I know none of this is my fault, I can't help but feel like a complete and total failure. I nearly lost my life and someone else did lose theirs. My IP's will never know Thomas Jr. other than in their hearts and dreams, and while that's nice, it's just not fair. My plans and dreams of making a baby for another couple and handing that baby over to them and to see the love and joy I could give them was a goal I set out to do in life. It will never happen. I also planned to have my tubal reversed and have a child with Thomas and name him or her for my mother. I can no longer do that with no uterus unless I get a surrogate. I suppose if we ever won the lottery I'd surely do it, but I'm not going to hold my breath. We were also going to move to Iowa. Now that will not happen. I know everything happens for a reason, I say that all the time. I guess in time I will eventually find out why this happened. I am scared to death that I've let Thomas down as I know how bad he wanted a child of his own. He has been assuring me that Evey and Jeremy are plenty for him and he loves them as his own. I just feel like a let down to so many people. The hospital staff and doctors said I would be depressed from this and my case is exacerbated by the fact that my mom just died a month ago.

Now is the time to focus on me and getting me better. I'm going to get healed and lose some weight and try to get a breast reduction on Thomas' insurance while I can so I can go back to being my little self again and not worry about my boobs growing anymore. I am trying to look forward to little things like no more bleeding once a month, no more cramps....that sort of thing. I still can't help but feel like I'm less of a woman because I can no longer make children. I know this happens to women all the time and it's normal, it's just something that I treasured was my uterus. I guess it is what it is, and there is nothing to do but accept it. I am going to be grieving for several things for a long time. Grieving for my mom, my uterus and my dreams.

In the end, I am going to make the most of the situation I was given and try to go forward with my head held high. I have my life, my wonderful husband, and my wonderful children. I am blessed and that's what matters. I say this now, and I know there will be times when I cry and feel down, but that's expected.

So that's how my surrogacy journey ends. I may one day begin another blog that may chronicle something interesting, maybe. Until then, I plan to keep up with all of my surrogate friends I've made along the way. I am also going to try and spread the word on the condition I had and remind women to never ignore their bodies, if they are in pain, go get seen. I'm not sure that anything would have been different had I been seen 2 days earlier, but I know that I should not have waited and will never do so again. I also want to stress to fellow surrogates that ANYTHING can happen to anyone at anytime. It doesn't matter who you are.  Mine was primarily caused from the scar tissue from my first c-section, which was 10 1/2 years ago.

You just never know.
Take care and thank you all for reading. It was a pleasure writing for you.

Monday, October 3, 2011

I'm leaving shortly for my prenatal blood work and urine screen that I didn't do last month. I misplaced the form and forgot about it.

Still taking things day by day, but being busy and spending more time with my kiddos seems to help me get through. I got a TON of exercise yesterday. Walked a mile w/ our new Dane- Jasmine (see pic), walked the flea market for 2 hours (about 2 miles) and grocery shopped for 1 1/2 hours (30 mins in line, ugh). We also took Jasmine to the dog park, which wasn't a ton of walking, but I did have to caution all the dogs from jumping on my belly.

Anyway I mention Jasmine in the above paragraph. Here she is...




Now it's just hurry up and wait for this baby to get here so we can get our big changes on the way. I am so ready to be out of Florida!

I am still having headaches, but they have calmed down a little bit, but I have other symptoms now. Chapped lips, sneezing 12-15 times a day and itchy throaty type cough.

Blah. Anyways, time to get in gear fro my brothers wedding this weekend. I'm not looking forward to driving to Panama City, but at least it's only a couple hours away. I know this wedding is going to be beautiful, but I feel like something is missing. My Mom was so excited about this and just wanted to make it long enough to see him get married. I guess she will either way, but it's still hard to think about this event being her goal and she didn't make it. It's disappointing.

Until next time...

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Everything Happens for A Reason..

I do my best to think like this all the time, and preach it when I'm giving advice. I live by it and refer to it. I believe in. It wasn't until I was laying in bed this morning thinking deeply about the upcoming holidays that it occurred to me, just how true this saying really, truly, is. I had bought a car last year and had issues with the car company, got behind on my payments yada yada. It took them forever to find the car and it was the week before we were to leave for Jacksonville to go visit Thomas' Mom for Christmas, that they finally did. I was tee totally pissed that they took the car (obviously) but I knew they were going to to eventually get it back, it was just the way they did it was completely illegal. Anyway, besides that point, we wound up not being able to go to Jacksonville. Had that not happened, I would not have gotten to spend last Christmas with my Mom, which was her last Christmas. I didn't know it was going to be here last Christmas at the time. The point is, that repo happened when it happened to keep us from leaving town for Christmas. It was God's way of telling me I needed to be here. It happened, for a reason. A good reason.
I know when we go through things in life, we whine and moan and groan about the bad things, but it seems that it's all a plan set up for us. Not necessarily a plan we all may like at the time of the events, but they are all happening for some reason, something coming up and we just don't know what that is or why it's happening. There are still a lot of things I look up to him and ask "why" about. A few particular things come to mind and I fathom them, and think of why they happened, and a few things, I can't gather the reasoning. Then I realize that I'm still here, still walking, still have food to eat, running water, clean clothes, warm bed, roof over my head and kids heads and electricity and try to not to let it get any further than that first why.
There was this one time when I was young and naive, I saw people driving slow in the rain and being what seemed to me at the time, overly cautious. I found out that next year by hitting an oil slick on the road and spinning around 3 times on the interstate in rush hour traffic and nearly going 500 feet into a deep fall that, the people going slow were trying to prevent what I just did. I got my answer to my "why".


Be careful what you ask "why" about. You just might get the answer.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Decisions, Decisions...

As mom has been sick over the years, I've wanted to do many things that I didn't because I needed to be near here as the time of her death was approaching, though we didn't know when. Now that it has come, it is time for me to move on with my life. My Dad and sister are getting a place where they can live together, and my Dad will be travelling between Florida, Georgia and probably Iowa. I've always wanted to move back to Iowa. I enjoyed living there during my divorce, with the exception of it being a small place and the man I wanted was in Florida. Well, that man, now my husband of 2 1/2 years, has decided to once again, let me live a dream. He has supported me fully in my wishes of surrogacy, to which I am slightly over 3 months pregnant after a year of attempts. Now, I want to move back to the place of wonderful (and scary) child hood memories of my Mom and happiness where it was. I have always been fond of having four seasons. Here is south Florida you have hot, hotter, holy shit my eyes will bug out from the heat and eh, it's kinda nice out. Up there you have Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter. I miss the white Chirstmas' and small town traditions I was brought up with. The education system is better up there, WAY better and you actually have to learn to drive in the snow, so when it rains, that's a piece of cake. There are so many advantages of this decision, I can't stop thinking about and I can't wait to pop this baby out, take my saved money from the surrogacy, my taxes and get the hell out of Florida.

LOL Ok, on the surrogacy front, all is well. Major heartburn and still with the headaches. I have an OB appointment on the 4th. I will update then...

Thanks for reading!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Closure, Confusion and Pain

I wasn't really sure what to title this post...I just know I have a lot of feelings I am completely unsure of at the moment and some I am very sure of, but don't know or really want to express.

The funeral, done solely by my Sister, turned out great. I was expecting maybe 10 people total, and 25 showed up. Family I hadn't seen in 10 years and some I hadn't seen in 5 years or so because of other circumstances. My sister began the eulogy and I spoke next, I remember my favorite second cousin speaking, my soon to be sister in law, even my Mother in law who barely knew my Mother spoke. My Fathers portion was smaller than I expected, but very heartfelt nonetheless. Thomas and I were expecting him to have another episode, but he barely shed any tears, so I think he is going to be ok. My daughter spoke and we all left her carnations on the plot where she was buried. The headstone is not yet finished, but we still felt as though it was right to do what we did. My aunt started talking about it today and I had to cut her off, because I started crying. I feel like if I don't talk about it, or think about it, I will be ok. I did go see a grief counselor through hospice on Thursday and it seemed as though that helped. I had a fully dry day Friday of no crying. The first since she passed.

I do feel as though in her own way, she is still with us. She blew a cool breeze on us during the service, and today, my aunt, Thomas, the kids and I would have lost our lives on the highway if not for Thomas' instinct.

I miss her dearly, and I keep picturing her on that last day of her life, so happy. I see her sitting in her chair, with her puppy and talking to me. I'm thankful that I have the images of her happy while she was alive. But the images of her death still haunt me. I can only chalk that up to the fact that I was so close to her.

Mom, if you're listening, I love you. I hope you're happy wherever you are. Please don't ever forget us.

The funeral gave me and my Father, I'm sure, the closure needed to move on. I will find out just how much it has helped or not helped tonight, when I sleep in my own bed, in the house my Mother once lived in when I cared for her. I walk into the house and feel that pang of pain when I see where she sat, and sleep in the room where she slept. Is that odd? I don't know.

There are many more feelings I have, but at this time, I just can't put them to words in a blog. Maybe tomorrow? Maybe once they are all sorted? We'll see.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

9/11 and the baby..

It's the 10th anniversary of that tragic day 10 years ago and there have been t.v. programs showing all the footage all over again and memorials galore. While I'm not complaining, I did see a post made on Cafe mom about how we should be thinking about this every year and not on landmark anniversary's. I then replied to her about how most birthday's get celebrated, but it's the landmark one's that we really make more of and this is no different, just not a celebration, but a remembrance of a significant time in our history. I'm sure when MLK and Lincoln both died the major 10 year anniversary was brought to life on those days. That's just how we do things.
Anyway, enough of that.



Ok, onto the baby. I have my Nuchal Scan done on the 20th. But my last ultrasound in the Doctors office did show placenta previa and I am on light duty, but not bed rest. Thank god. I was told no sex and no lifting anything until they are sure it's gonna clear up, which 95% of cases do. It probably won't be until later in the pregnancy that it does. So we'll wait and see. Baby had a good strong hb and looked beautiful. Here are pics., they are a bit blurry, cell phone pics.




Anyway, I'm done venting and relaying news. The only other thing is Saturday we are finally going to lay mom to rest in Evergreen Cemetery in Jacksonville. Not sure what time, but it will be nice to have closure on the entire thing and maybe move on.

Thanks for reading everyone.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

The End..

In continuance of the last blog, we took mom off life support and the dopamine that was holding her blood pressure up on Thursday evening at 8:35. She stayed stable throughout the night and they moved her to a private room on a different wing. When we saw her the next day, she was squinting and grabbing at the right side of her chest and was yellow. Just horribly jaundiced. Her liver was claerly shutting down. Anyway, around 3 p.m. she was transported to a hospice home close to our houses and we went and said good bye to her, again. Everyone left around 6 p.m. and did other things to occupy our time. I have been so grief stricken I had my PCP, who also treated my Mother, call me in something for anxiety. Thank god for that, or I never would have went to sleep.

My sister came in at 6 a.m. this morning as the hospice home couldn't get ahold of Dad, so they called her and she told me mom had just passed. It's a blow to the mind to hear you no longer have a mother. So, she died at 5:50 a.m. on September 3rd, 2011. We don't know why or how she held on so long after coming off of life support. My thoughts are simply that she wanted that constant morphine a few times before she let go. That's how she always was, in pain needing medications.

We always thought that since she had defied medical science time and time again for 10 years that maybe this was another one of those times. Well, it wasn't. God called for her and now she is with him, and her older brother and mother who've been waiting for her up there.

I'm not gonna lie and say this is easy, as I've been crying for days and days, and still this morning and as I type this. We've decided to have her autopsied to cover every base for when we go after that dialysis clinic.

This is the hardest thing I hope I ever have to endure in my life. Losing a parent is not easy. My poor Father...they would be celebrating their 31st wedding anniversary in Dec.

How is Thanksgiving going to work? Christmas? Without my mom...my best friend.