Well folks, I am afraid this will be my last post of this blog. This is also going to be a very long post, so be ready to read, and be ready for tears.
I began having some pretty bad cramping/pinching/tearing pain on Friday night the 7th and I thought it was just gas as it seemed pretty familiar to me. I slept that night and got up and drove to Panama City for my Brothers wedding. Saturday night was full of some pretty intense pain, I cried but slept it off and resorted to go to the hospital if I still felt bad when I got home. Well, we got home and I wasn't in that much pain, it was bearable, so I didn't go to the hospital. I thought I had a urinary tract infection.
Anyway, I woke up in excruciating pain so I got the kids off to school and went to the e.r. After tons of poking and prodding, blood work and urine, they came back with a dx of a UTI. But because of the baby and the fact that I had pain in my right lower quadrant, appendicitis was possible, so they kept me for observation. They also informed me that my white blood cell count was elevated, which was another reason for my admission.
The next morning I was approached by my PCP and a surgeon and the on call OB, who all together decided I more than likely had an inguinal hernia with my intestines protruding through my abdominal wall, so they needed to do an immediate repair via laproscopy. Anyway, I signed consent and went on my way, but in the mean time just before surgery the pain got completely unbearable and I was doubled over in harsh pain.
They took me back and I went out thinking I was gonna wake up with a repaired hernia and my appendix gone. Well, I didn't. I woke up in worse pain than when I went under and it hurt in places it wasn't supposed to hurt.
After an hour in recovery they took me to the pediatrics ward (so I could have a private room) and got me set up in there. A few minutes later Thomas walks in with the kids and has this sullen look on his face as though something horrid had happened. He told the kids to be quiet, that I didn't know yet. He had also informed everyone around (all nurses and doctors) not to say anything to me about what happened.
So he walks over and sits down next to me and starts crying and shaking, grabs my hand (and this is NOT his personality type at all) and finally tells me...."They didn't take your appendix and you didn't have a hernia. The pain you felt was your uterus rupturing and the baby didn't make it..."
He says he will never forget the look on my face. I'll never forget the words he said or how I felt. All of my dreams, and I do mean that literally, ALL of my dreams just fell out from under me. Thomas then told me it was worse than that...I'd lost about 800 cc's of blood, which is one of about 4 liters the body holds on a normal basis. I had 5 bags of blood transfused. I was told by the surgeon who did the operation that 400 cc's was in the uterus and the other 400 cc's I lost after my uterus was removed. My surgeon also said that baby only died because the placenta detached from my uterus once it was removed. The placenta and baby were fine before the removal of my uterus. And the OB also said I had placenta accreta, which is where the placenta grows into the uterine wall and into the abdominal wall as well. If the baby was 8 weeks older, it could have survived.
He came in yesterday and spoke to me and began crying while telling me that god guided his hands Tuesday during my surgery. He's not sure how he kept me alive, but he is thankful he did and so am I. I have 3 holes, 2 in my right side on both upper and lower sides and my belly button. They are all three stitched up. They also re-opened my c-section scar, rather forcefully if I might add. I am bruised from hell and back. They also exhausted every vein they were legally allowed to use for medications and I have multiple blown veins and bruised spots on my hands and arms. I also managed to get thrush from the antibiotics they gave me via IV in the hospital. I came home today with 7 medications. Thrush liquid, yeast medication, pain killers, anti depressant, anti anxiety, sleep med and nausea medicine. The Pharmacy got good money out of us today.
This years trials and tribulations have been something else. I've got to eventually turn into a rock after all that I've been through.
We had to put Rascal down, whom we all adored because Tom and Liz were worried about his affect on the pregnancy, which there wasn't one, then a week later my Mom passes away, but not in a good way. See previous posts. Now this week, I almost die, and a little soul went to heaven that never saw earth. The baby was a boy (which I knew in my heart all along) named after his daddy, so Thomas Jr. He is with god today.
While I know none of this is my fault, I can't help but feel like a complete and total failure. I nearly lost my life and someone else did lose theirs. My IP's will never know Thomas Jr. other than in their hearts and dreams, and while that's nice, it's just not fair. My plans and dreams of making a baby for another couple and handing that baby over to them and to see the love and joy I could give them was a goal I set out to do in life. It will never happen. I also planned to have my tubal reversed and have a child with Thomas and name him or her for my mother. I can no longer do that with no uterus unless I get a surrogate. I suppose if we ever won the lottery I'd surely do it, but I'm not going to hold my breath. We were also going to move to Iowa. Now that will not happen. I know everything happens for a reason, I say that all the time. I guess in time I will eventually find out why this happened. I am scared to death that I've let Thomas down as I know how bad he wanted a child of his own. He has been assuring me that Evey and Jeremy are plenty for him and he loves them as his own. I just feel like a let down to so many people. The hospital staff and doctors said I would be depressed from this and my case is exacerbated by the fact that my mom just died a month ago.
Now is the time to focus on me and getting me better. I'm going to get healed and lose some weight and try to get a breast reduction on Thomas' insurance while I can so I can go back to being my little self again and not worry about my boobs growing anymore. I am trying to look forward to little things like no more bleeding once a month, no more cramps....that sort of thing. I still can't help but feel like I'm less of a woman because I can no longer make children. I know this happens to women all the time and it's normal, it's just something that I treasured was my uterus. I guess it is what it is, and there is nothing to do but accept it. I am going to be grieving for several things for a long time. Grieving for my mom, my uterus and my dreams.
In the end, I am going to make the most of the situation I was given and try to go forward with my head held high. I have my life, my wonderful husband, and my wonderful children. I am blessed and that's what matters. I say this now, and I know there will be times when I cry and feel down, but that's expected.
So that's how my surrogacy journey ends. I may one day begin another blog that may chronicle something interesting, maybe. Until then, I plan to keep up with all of my surrogate friends I've made along the way. I am also going to try and spread the word on the condition I had and remind women to never ignore their bodies, if they are in pain, go get seen. I'm not sure that anything would have been different had I been seen 2 days earlier, but I know that I should not have waited and will never do so again. I also want to stress to fellow surrogates that ANYTHING can happen to anyone at anytime. It doesn't matter who you are. Mine was primarily caused from the scar tissue from my first c-section, which was 10 1/2 years ago.
You just never know.
Take care and thank you all for reading. It was a pleasure writing for you.